The Messy U-Turn with Shari Teigman

Shari Teigman, a creative business strategist and founder of the Maverick approach, joins Kristin DeSouza on Happiness Unscripted to share how a rough divorce as a single mom pushed her to rebuild a life and business that fit her, rather than following roles, rules, and “shoulds.” She describes learning she had been living in relation to others, people-pleasing, and reading rooms instead of hearing herself, and explains how COVID amplified boundary-setting and personal crises for many. Shari emphasizes that happiness isn’t something others can provide and that we’re not responsible for managing others’ discomfort. She outlines a three-part process for change—unpack what you’re carrying, “unbelief” what isn’t yours, and understand where you want to go—so you can act without waiting for perfect clarity and expand the capacity to hold what you truly want.

Timestamps

00:00 Welcome to Happiness Unscripted

00:48 Unscripted & Unstoppable - Introducing Shari Teigman

02:17 Origins of the Maverick Method

07:20 Finding Your Own Beat

10:02 COVID as a Maverick Era

13:20 Recognizing When It's Time for Change

18:58 When the Body Speaks

21:49 Unpack, Unbelieve, Understand

30:22 Signed, Sealed, Inspired

31:03 Until the Next Unscripted Moment

Connect with Shari Teigman

👥 Contact:

✉️: shari@shariteigman.com

🌐: www.shariteigman.com

📱 Social Media:

On Instagram:  www.instagram.com/shariteigman

On LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/shariteigman/

✨ Offerings: https://sharidteigman.ac-page.com/TheMaverickWayPrelaunch 

Don't miss out on getting Shari's book - out in May!

Connect with Happiness Unscripted:

✉️: happinessunscriptedpodcast@gmail.com

🎙️: https://happinessunscripted.buzzsprout.com

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https://open.spotify.com/show/61RuOPMxtnkZaGKtQTO1pm?si=e7bfd270bb7f489a

       On Apple Podcast

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/happiness-unscripted/id1837486744

• Also where you normally listen 👂 to podcasts!

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Hey there friends! Just a friendly reminder that this podcast is all about sharing ideas and having fun conversations. I'm not an expert in this subject over here - just a curious person exploring topics I find interesting. So please don't take anything said here as professional advice. When in doubt, chat with the real pros who know their stuff. Thanks for listening and hope you join us for the next episode! Now, let's dive in and get happy!

Transcript

Kristin, Host 0:48

Shari Teigman is a creative business strategist performance mentor, and founder of the Maverick approach to personal and business growth. Shari describes herself as a no nonsense strategist who helps ambitious people sharpen mindset, improve performance, and build businesses without losing themselves in the process. She's in her 12th year in business working with CEOs, startups, and entrepreneurs on custom strategy, team leadership and mindset work. Her offerings include one-on-one work, corporate trainings, DIY courses, and her Maverick method, which she says grew out of her own experience and work with hundreds of clients. Sheri also blogs and hosts several podcasts including Mavericks in Motion, where she interviews other Mavericks about life and work. Shari emphasizes courage, curiosity, self-trust, and the idea of building success in a way that feels authentic rather than gray or formulaic. Shari, welcome to Happiness, unscripted.

Shari Teigman 1:52

Thank you so much for having me, and as soon as I saw the title, I said, oh, this is gonna be my kind of playground I'm in.

Kristin, Host 1:59

Excellent. I saw similarly, I saw Maverick and I was like, oh, I want to connect with this person. I wanna hear what she has to say.

Shari Teigman 2:08

We find our people, there we go.

Kristin, Host 2:10

We do. So I'm gonna start out with, you describe yourself as a creative strategist and performance mentor. How did that path begin and what led you to create the Maverick method?

Shari Teigman 2:23

I wish it was like this pretty little story. Whenever anyone asks me, I'm like, should I make up a new version? Nah, that would very much not be me. so I went through a very rough divorce 16 years ago, single mom of two little kids. I was 35 at the time, And, had no idea what life was going to land me. and it turned out very differently than I was expecting. So a lot of my work has been born for my own journey, which many of us have that. and I knew I was in the wrong place in the wrong life. I didn't know what that meant. I didn't know what it looked like. I had none of these tools, but I had no way of staying somewhere that didn't fit me anymore. And, you know, I like to just out of respect for my ex-husband and my kids. It just wasn't right. It doesn't matter. It was difficult on everyone. And I just knew that I needed to change my life, even though I had no plan for what it would look like. I was just got on the wrong highway somewhere and landed something that didn't belong to me. So I think for me, the whole Maverick piece came my own journey because a lot of people think, you know, we see these great movies that have soundtracks and woman or man leave a job that they don't like, or a relationship they don't like, and the music plays in the background and they march confidently down the streets of New York knowing exactly where they wanna go, and it ends with a red bow at the end. Not my story. Messy, loud, ridiculous, still loud and ridiculous, that that's kind of an ongoing theme. But for me, I knew what I didn't want, and that weirdly was my guiding light. I didn't know what I wanted because I couldn't have thought this big. I couldn't. I didn't know what was possible, but I just held onto. Elizabeth Gilbert, the author, I, I watched her do a talk a few years ago and she said she had a phase of her life called, not this. And I think that's what it was for me, where she looked at everything. Not this job, not this relationship, not this haircut. I don't like those shoes. And she unpacked and made space. And once I unpacked and knew what I didn't want, I made space to find out who I was and what I wanted. What I didn't want was step out of a life that didn't work for me, and then make a variation on a theme almost exactly the same way, which a lot of people do. You feel better for a little while, but I don't do things halfway. So I was either gonna do it all the way or I was gonna stay stuck, and that wasn't an option. So the Maverick piece really for me was allowing myself to find the beat of my own drum under all the half dos and all the shoulds and what it's supposed to look like. And I grew up modern Orthodox Jewish, so I grew up in a beautiful community, which also had a lot of rules to it. On top of just the being a woman and being a mom, I had a whole. a grandchild of Holocaust survivors, so like there's a lot of heritage, have tos I'll call them, which I

Kristin, Host 5:03

Okay.

Shari Teigman 5:03

I stand very proud by, but I couldn't hear myself underneath all of what I was supposed to do. And I think this pathway gave me some space to actually listen in and hear myself. And then built a life all around my own beat. So that doesn't mean I'm rebelling against everyone. And I think that's really the maverick piece. A lot of personal development, you know, rebel against what doesn't work. Takes a lot of energy. Most of us don't

Kristin, Host 5:26

Mm-hmm.

Shari Teigman 5:26

hard enough to get through the day without

Kristin, Host 5:28

Yeah.

Shari Teigman 5:29

So this is really, sometimes we walk together and sometimes I'm okay alone. And it's just finding your individuality under all of the things that may interest you or capture you or scare you or trigger you and figure out your own cocktail of being so that you can lead a life and run businesses and run families and hold jobs that feel like they fit you. Not shoes are too tight and this suit doesn't fit, but it works for everyone else. So I'm just gonna keep them.

Kristin, Host 5:56

Excellent. I love that. A life that fits you and really putting in the effort and also giving yourself the space to find that.

Shari Teigman 6:05

Yes,

Kristin, Host 6:06

I think maybe that's what was really, I was kind of seeing that underlying message and that was what was drawing me to, because we haven't talked a whole lot, but, for me, yeah. Happiness unscripted kind of stems from Yeah, I was approaching 40 and I. just had multiple components of life. I'm like, this is not working. Like, this is not what I want to keep doing for, you know, 40 A lot of us see that as, okay, here's like our second half of life. And I was like, oh wait, like this is not what I wanna just keep walking through. And, I, I think a piece that I didn't realize when I started this, is how much is it about coming to understand myself? I think I started out thinking some of this was like needing to be able to communicate better with others, which there's definitely a component of that, but realizing how much of it was really about what did I want, and, being comfortable saying that out loud to others. Like, no, this is what I want and it's okay for me to voice that and ask for that and share about.

Shari Teigman 7:20

I love that you just brought that up, although I'm not taking you off course, but I,

Kristin, Host 7:24

No.

Shari Teigman 7:24

touch on this because society has taught us that for some reason. We all expect the world to work for us. And then we're okay when I have X amount of money, when those jeans fit me,

Kristin, Host 7:36

Mm-hmm.

Shari Teigman 7:36

that partner pays attention to me, when my kids listen to what I do, like this perfect storm, we're gonna get to press pause and hold that. And then I have my joy, then I have my fulfillment, then I have my happiness. But last I checked, it's kind of a dynamic storm. There's,

Kristin, Host 7:50

Yeah.

Shari Teigman 7:51

a one moment. So when we don't feel fulfilled from ourselves, society has taught us to go ask everyone else's opinion

Kristin, Host 7:58

Mm-hmm.

Shari Teigman 7:59

in how I look to you. If you think I'm okay, then I should be okay. But I, I love that you brought it up because the answer really is, we don't have to go change everything in our life. Like some of us do it more dramatically than others, but when we know ourselves, the communication with others easier'cause we

Kristin, Host 8:14

Mm-hmm.

Shari Teigman 8:15

we're

Kristin, Host 8:15

Yeah.

Shari Teigman 8:16

and we're not asking them to save us. Even the people who love us can't save us. So we take that responsibility that we put on everyone else's head, just make me happy so that I'm not miserable. Who wants relationships in any area of our

Kristin, Host 8:29

Yeah,

Shari Teigman 8:29

that, no one

Kristin, Host 8:30

yeah,

Shari Teigman 8:30

the power over us.

Kristin, Host 8:32

No, exactly. Well, and to your point, looking for others to make you happy, but I also realize that there's also aspects of life where I'm like, but I'm also not responsible for your happiness. If you are not happy, it's not my job to tiptoe around this difficult conversation. It's not my job to twist myself into a pretzel to make this, you know, to make you more comfortable. Like you have to decide that you are worth the work and sorting that out for yourself. And yeah, and that was, yeah, some good baggage for me to set aside.

Shari Teigman 9:13

can we just say to all the listeners, this is not fun. Like

Kristin, Host 9:16

No.

Shari Teigman 9:16

one wakes on a Tuesday morning. Like, I have nothing to do. Let me just tear open all

Kristin, Host 9:20

Right.

Shari Teigman 9:21

and see, maybe by 11 I'll be fine. Like, this is very scary because we're asking other people to play chess differently than they learned.

Kristin, Host 9:28

Mm-hmm.

Shari Teigman 9:29

people can feel threatened, they can be unclear about who, what's going on with us? What's

Kristin, Host 9:34

Mm-hmm.

Shari Teigman 9:34

can't we just be dot.dot fill in the blank. but the beautiful part is, is when you are sure of your own journey, people find their own journeys along your journey, or they move away or move

Kristin, Host 9:45

Yeah.

Shari Teigman 9:45

like you beautifully said, the responsibilities let go from all of us being so tied to each other's misery, let alone happiness is like, don't wanna

Kristin, Host 9:54

Yeah,

Shari Teigman 9:55

in no hostage to be in their life. No thanks. That doesn't really sound fun to me,

Kristin, Host 9:59

yeah. Exactly. Uh, it was, it was kinda an interesting realization during COVID. we. my husband and I chose to take a little bit more of a cautious route on some things. And, I realized in interacting with my family of origin that suddenly I was like asking for something and in a way that a lot of them weren't used to me being the one saying, Hey, like, here's what we need. I was, you know, am oftentimes flexible and happy to be flexible because, it wasn't things that I really had a strong opinion about one way or the other. And it was an interesting realization of that I was making them uncomfortable.'cause it's like, wait a minute, this is not the dynamic that we're used to. And yeah, we all had to kind of work through that. I was gonna, you know, hold my line on this because it mattered for us for, our personal reasons and. If you, if you need to take some distance from us

Shari Teigman 11:04

Yeah,

Kristin, Host 11:05

while we're at this stage of life, then that's okay. And I'm okay with it. And you can have your feelings about it and, process them yourself.

Shari Teigman 11:13

absolutely. Not to diminish how horrible the COVID era was,

Kristin, Host 11:18

Yep.

Shari Teigman 11:18

the time I said, this is our Maverick era, because all of a sudden people had, could not hide behind labels, could not hide behind their roles, could not pretend they were in re relationships or were happy, or jobs that they trusted and felt secure in. All of the gates were open. It was like

Kristin, Host 11:34

Mm-hmm.

Shari Teigman 11:35

without the sidebars up anymore. And I thought, oh, there's gonna be a lot of babies. I'm like, no, there're gonna be a lot of personal crises, is what's gonna happen. And

Kristin, Host 11:43

Yeah.

Shari Teigman 11:44

say the C'S caught up yet. I still think some people are still unraveling. But

Kristin, Host 11:47

Yes.

Shari Teigman 11:48

it was an interesting, like energetic reset for all of us, whether it was holding a boundary and thinking differently than someone, you know, know a

Kristin, Host 11:55

Yeah.

Shari Teigman 11:55

friendships and relationships changed, or actually finding out what we think in the first place, what we believe, who we listen to, what our own individual feelings are, and then how we relate to other people who, whoever has the time to do that. Or you take

Kristin, Host 12:09

Yeah,

Shari Teigman 12:09

all the addictions, the shopping and the eating

Kristin, Host 12:11

yeah,

Shari Teigman 12:12

and the, the money

Kristin, Host 12:13

yeah,

Shari Teigman 12:13

like, oh God, it's just me and my sweatpants in the same four walls again. Well then, you know,

Kristin, Host 12:18

yeah,

Shari Teigman 12:19

very interesting mavericky times.

Kristin, Host 12:21

Yes, and I think I look back at that and think that, as you said, it wasn't comfortable. It wasn't easy, but it was also a point that I look back on and see a lot of growth between my husband and I in our communication and really having to tease apart, you know, how do we feel about different circumstances and address when we weren't as in alignment on topics as we were used to. Typically being and having to find.

Shari Teigman 12:51

we

Kristin, Host 12:52

Yeah.

Shari Teigman 12:52

questions. Like, I don't know. I didn't know that I would think that differently than you because

Kristin, Host 12:56

Yeah.

Shari Teigman 12:56

gotten up to this. So it, it was very sobering to

Kristin, Host 13:00

Mm-hmm.

Shari Teigman 13:00

in front of what was true for us, in addition to all the collective fear, which I think made all of

Kristin, Host 13:04

Yes.

Shari Teigman 13:04

more clear. And like you said, even if you're flexible on certain things, we had real choices to make. This

Kristin, Host 13:10

Mm-hmm.

Shari Teigman 13:11

depending on our mood.

Kristin, Host 13:12

Yes. talked about that your path into the work you do now came through your major life transition. and what would you say that season taught you about who you were and what you really needed ne next, or how you identify when it's kind of time for some growth and you need something new?

Shari Teigman 13:34

I love that question. I would love nothing more to the an than answer. This question with what I now feel like shows me, but it took me a long time to get here. Now when I know there's a change, I almost feel like Mary Poppins, where, you know, when the wind blows and her umbrella goes, and she just knows. That took me 17 years to get to before, before the Mary Poppins moment. It was more being dragged by my teeth, realizing that I'm listening to everyone else before I hear myself. Even when I teach and know this stuff is when I try to used to try to fit myself into someone else's peg so badly or so much people pleasing or so much checking in on everyone else that I was virtually invisible was how I kind of got dragged beautifully to the life that I have now because. didn't have a sense of myself. I had a sense of I'm very empathic so I can feel everyone else's feelings before I feel mine. And I've been like, since I'm a child and I grew up in a wonderful family, so I, I'm not, it's nothing against my

Kristin, Host 14:35

Yeah.

Shari Teigman 14:35

but I can sense who needs what and who's gonna blow and who needs that. And my brother and I are very different. So I grew up reading rooms

Kristin, Host 14:44

Mm-hmm.

Shari Teigman 14:45

emotionally, friendship, family, all of it. And I think also my grandmother, the survivor lived with us for a lot of years, so I also felt her grief all the time. I had no words for this, I didn't there were so many layers of feelings to me that I think once I mastered, I thought if I mastered all the feeling layers that no one else looked like they had, then I'd be safe. And okay, I'd win the video game. I did was do whatever, worked for everyone else. I wore my labels and my roles very well, and it worked for everyone. And I thought they worked for me. And there was a moment I was watching one of my son's birthday party videos and I was holding, it was like a movie moment. I was holding a bunch of plates, drying them off, and I dropped them on the floor because I'm a loud, extroverted social person and I looked like a drone in the video. And I love motherhood more than anything, the world. And I loved being a mom. And I was like, I did not know that I looked like that. I was not in there at all. I was gone. I was playing a role. And that scared me so severely because I said, I don't wanna raise children to think that's what their mom looks like. So I didn't do it for me, honestly. I did it because. I wasn't in the right marriage and I didn't wanna show my kids. That's what loves look like. I didn't wanna show my kids. That's what taking care of yourself looks like. And like I said, I had no idea what I was doing and I had no idea what was gonna happen. And I'm took me a long time to reconcile with myself.'cause I felt very naive. It, it turned very messy and I had no idea. So people always ask me, would you have done it differently? I'm like, yeah, I know what was coming. I don't know that I could have been brave enough. I God I was at naive and stupid as I was because I went blindly on my faith. It's gonna work out wooey. It took a little while. and so what I learned about myself, I thought I knew myself and I knew absolutely nothing about myself.'cause I had never asked myself any questions. I knew myself in relation to everyone else. I had

Kristin, Host 16:39

Hmm

Shari Teigman 16:40

concept of self-contained being. I had no beat, I had no thoughts that were my own. And I'm very opinionated. And I'm very strong-willed. But I, they were based on what every script I had read. And it fascinated me because if I was some quiet, meek person, that would make sense. But I was so shocked that I had mastered a role so well that I even believed it.

Kristin, Host 17:03

mm-hmm.

Shari Teigman 17:03

what

Kristin, Host 17:04

Yeah.

Shari Teigman 17:04

into you gotta, you gotta get out of yourself. It wasn't, I'm not blaming anyone else. It was, I co-created everything for a reason and it had to be that dramatic. Otherwise I never would've turned and made a U-turn. So I think what I learned about myself was. Mostly how easy it is for us to forget who we are when we're living our lives and building dreams and studying incredible things. And achieving is like, oh, have to keep checking. If I took myself with me, and I speak to clients all the time about this, every walk of life, every level of achievement, every financial barrier you like, if you put all my clients in a room, you'd wonder, how did this motley crew come together? It doesn't make any sense. And I'll always say like, I power people and PE people power their lives and their businesses. So no one ever taught us this. No one ever taught

Kristin, Host 17:52

No.

Shari Teigman 17:52

their own questions. And the example I always use is, Tuesdays was sailboat days. So we're in our class, everyone make a sailboat. I wanna make a rocket ship. I'll get sent to the principal if I make a rocket ship, okay, I'll make a sailboat. Then like we, we just put it down, we put

Kristin, Host 18:06

Yeah.

Shari Teigman 18:07

what we feel, and then no one ever asks us again till we're ready to, like you did at 40, and I did in my mid thirties for whatever reason. We were ready and have the bandwidth. They're people who never ask their whole lives.

Kristin, Host 18:19

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Well I think it's interesting, you're talking about having that moment of realization because, for me it's interesting that I think when it is gonna take, some serious effort to make that change, it also can oftentimes take a really significant, shock to your system to drive you into it. And for me, I was, what I can explain now, and like you said, couldn't have articulated this correctly, in

Shari Teigman 18:52

us then? I

Kristin, Host 18:53

ever eight.

Shari Teigman 18:54

myself, I probably

Kristin, Host 18:55

Yeah.

Shari Teigman 18:55

you.

Kristin, Host 18:56

at the moment is, you know, I was not very happy in, the job I was doing in the career at the moment, even though I felt like, well, I should be happy in this. Like, I've, you know, I've done all of this schooling and, worked very hard to get to this point. and I, was physically really not feeling well and went to, my GP saying, I think I'm developing fibromyalgia. This, there's a history of this in my family. I'm about the age that, onset happen and in, and said, I wanna go through, it's like testing through elimination. So I was like, I wanna go through the series of tests and, then figure out what kind of treatment and care do I need. And in going through that, Worked out with her that she's like, no, I actually think this is stress and anxiety. And that was such a scary thing for me to think that, oh my gosh, I have so much stress and anxiety that I'm having physical manifestations of it. And the idea that, I could make, you know, lead to dying early is kind of the worst case scenario that I had in my head and leave my kids that I was like, whoa, okay. I gotta figure some things out and get myself on a better course. And so, yeah.

Shari Teigman 20:20

incredible that you had a doctor that clocked that, especially in our medical system, where they love to find a reason and they, and it's not their fault, it's what they're

Kristin, Host 20:27

Yeah.

Shari Teigman 20:27

for

Kristin, Host 20:28

Yeah.

Shari Teigman 20:28

it's incredible. But this whole MINDBODY connection, I'm also an autoimmune person. Of course

Kristin, Host 20:34

Mm-hmm.

Shari Teigman 20:35

we're so, soul and brain are so aligned that if we are the searchers and the doers of the world, my body's gonna show it.'cause I won't listen otherwise. My brain is all,

Kristin, Host 20:43

Yeah.

Shari Teigman 20:44

does what it does. And since I'm 17, they thought I had fibromyalgia, then they thought I had this. And it's been, I've been to every expert all over the world

Kristin, Host 20:52

Oh, wow.

Shari Teigman 20:53

comes down to. The alignment that if I don't listen to what I need,

Kristin, Host 20:58

Mm-hmm.

Shari Teigman 20:58

revolves. It's very simple. It knows

Kristin, Host 21:00

Yeah.

Shari Teigman 21:01

very well. It trips me and then I lose my voice. I get double pneumonia. Everything's hurting. Oh, I need a supplement. I, I have a supplement deficiency. No you don't. You have a lot of stress and you have no

Kristin, Host 21:12

Mm-hmm.

Shari Teigman 21:12

are, how to manage it. What an incredible doctor.'cause he could have lost another 10 years

Kristin, Host 21:17

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Shari Teigman 21:19

not to say, God forbid anyone listening, that this stuff isn't real. It is

Kristin, Host 21:23

Oh, Yeah, yeah.

Shari Teigman 21:23

it comes and manifests from a different place than a physical outside element. It's an

Kristin, Host 21:31

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Shari Teigman 21:33

we are all taught how to live lives for other people.

Kristin, Host 21:36

Yeah.

Shari Teigman 21:37

Incredible.

Kristin, Host 21:38

Yes. So, I'm curious to hear for listeners that who may be navigating through fear and uncertainty or self-doubt that you've talked about as part of your journey, what does it look like to move from the dreaming to doing as you talk about, as part of your, like, mentorship and, and also without having to wait for like that perfect clarity, I feel like so many of us sit and are waiting for like, well, when I figure out exactly what I need to do.

Shari Teigman 22:09

Yeah. and, and I'm glad we both talked about our moments, didn't have that soundtrack in the background, and it wasn't like a lightning struck. It's dark and it's low and it's confusing and you think you're imagining things and, and it takes a lot of work. So it's like, know that it's there, but I don't really know if I wanted to make the effort to fix it. To be honest with you, I sent spent a long time in that too. It's like I just don't look in that closet and you know, we end up people with lots of closet doors and we only live in the hallway of our life. As long as nothing falls out of a

Kristin, Host 22:38

Right.

Shari Teigman 22:38

we're fine. So I love the question because it's the precursor to change and it's how do I allow myself to wonder and find out what's there. So there's a three way process and. laugh because I am a coach and I do work in the personal development place space, but I'm also from New Jersey and I'm very jaded. So like I am not miss positivity. I will not chant affirmations like this is very raw and real. and my clients will say, you're like, so I work with a lot of, English people and they'll say, you're like my loving nan. And then you go, New York Mafia on my ass. I'm like, yeah, it's pretty accurate.'cause sometimes we need it. I know I do. If you're soft with me, I won't even hear you. I, I am in defiance, I am in rebellion in my brain. I'm in protection mode. You're not getting in with a nice little affirmation that my inner critic is gonna masticate to death. So how do we get honest with ourself is really the question before we have the solutions or the questions or the answers, we have to find out what's in there. So it's a three part process that I call and I like to make everything. Playful and funny because if we feel like we have something to laugh at ourselves, it's easier to do. Getting

Kristin, Host 23:43

Oh, yes.

Shari Teigman 23:43

not have to hurt as much as it did to get stuck. We did not do this to ourselves on purpose. We used the tools we had when we didn't know what else to do

Kristin, Host 23:51

Mm-hmm.

Shari Teigman 23:52

from people who were never taught how to do it. So that's would love to everyone. If I take responsibility for where I'm going, I have to ask directions from someone who wants to go where I wanna go, not the other way.

Kristin, Host 24:03

Yep.

Shari Teigman 24:03

first question I always ask is, what are you unpacking? So if you think, let's say you go on a bachelorette party with your best friends, and the last night everyone got a little drunk and made it to the flight somehow. And you get home and you open your bag and there's a red shoe. You don't have a red shoe. So you go into your WhatsApp group of all your hungover friends and say, send a picture. Whose shoe is this? It's in my bag. And I don't know why and someone claims it, we walk around, as you said earlier, with all of these bags rolling it everywhere we have of beliefs and shoulds and. Trauma, big T, little T. It doesn't have to be big things that go on, like all those microaggressions we do to ourselves our whole life. And we ask for as, as evidence for why we can't have whatever we think we want and we start to unpack it. What in here is actually mine? How many red shoes that don't belong to me is what I wheel around every day in a bag. I've decorated with stickers saying this is my identity and if I put it down, I'm gonna be lonely. Like, I'd love to tell you that I could change everything tomorrow. So let's say, okay, Kristen, I'm gonna show up at your front door with a big box of everything you've ever wanted in your life with a big red bow. you bring that to my door, I would not open it. I'm not yet the vessel container that can hold it. I'd be like, well, not like that. And I wanted pepperoni on the pizza and not mushrooms. And well, I didn't really, I'm not hungry right now. Like we think we want things that we don't know how to have yet. The only way we can start to have something new or even ask ourselves what we want is if we make space. So the first piece of unpack is, wow, that's a belief I've lived my whole life, but I need time and respect and grief to let it go. I'd love to say we could tick it off and you know, everything's clear now. I've walked 52 years without belief. Do not take that outta my bag. I won't know who I am without it. What we don't wanna do is leave voids. I won't fit in my family. I won't have a sense of belonging. We're tribal animals. I don't wanna be alone in the village. So I'll follow their rules, but then I'll cry in my house about it. So we've gotta navigate very carefully about what we can put down. And I, I think we work in cyclical layers here, so this is not a one pass throw everything out, including the baby and the bath water and the bath. You know, we're not destructing the house. It's, what's the first thing that's driving me crazy. So for you, job triggered body stuff, and then you were wondering about, about communication. So it's like the top layers of the suitcase, and then you close it and you wheel at round one that has five pounds less and five pounds less. Like if someone told me I could have the life I have now, 17 years ago, I would've asked you what you were smoking. And I would say, I wouldn't even want that life. I think you're, you're delivering this package to the wrong house.

Kristin, Host 26:42

Yeah.

Shari Teigman 26:43

if I tell you now where I wanna go, you look at me like I have 10 heads, but I know I have to do that. Like, that's my road. I'm not there yet. I'm not ready for it. So first we unpack. And then we have to, most of us know how to unpack. That's not mine. My third grade teacher told me I couldn't speak in public. You know, the kid next to me used to make fun of me when I sang. So now I don't say all of that stuff.

Kristin, Host 27:05

Okay.

Shari Teigman 27:05

But what we do when we unpack we repack

Kristin, Host 27:09

Ah,

Shari Teigman 27:10

because we don't wanna lose ourselves. So like, okay, I'm willing to go to therapy or sit with Shari and Kristen for an hour and talk about this stuff, listen to a podcast, and at the end I'm gonna neatly tuck everything away, sit on the suitcase and close it because I know I don't want it, but I don't know what to do without it. So the next step is really unbelieving. And I know it's probably not even a real word, but I make up a lot of words. So we have unpack and then unbelief. If I know it's not mine, then why do I carry with me everywhere? So what in me? Doesn't need to believe this anymore. So I have a client who's a very well known public speaker and he would, he was almost mute till he was 15 years old,'cause he

Kristin, Host 27:48

Oh wow.

Shari Teigman 27:48

when he was little and the kids in school made fun of him. he could sing beautifully, but he couldn't speak without stuttering, used a different part of his brain. So until he understood that that little boy was what was running the show for him, even though he was a high achiever, had a PhD in something and incredible speaking skills, had to heal and unbelief that that little boy was the one who was gonna go up on stage.

Kristin, Host 28:13

Hmm. Okay.

Shari Teigman 28:14

Once he understood that was mine, I'm addressing it. I am safe without it and I don't need it anymore, then he could stop repacking that.'cause what if someone laughs at him or what if the stutter comes back when he is nervous? He doesn't think like that anymore because he doesn't need that tool anymore in that bag. So we unpack, then we unbelief. And then the last piece is understand if I know I wanna go all the way over there. So in the old days before we had GPS on our phones, we would go onto MapQuest and we would print something out and 45 pages later, using all of our ink in our printer, we're off on the road trip. So if I'm going to New Jersey from New Jersey to Pennsylvania and I go south, I go east instead of west, I'm gonna end up in the Hudson River. I'm not going to Pennsylvania no matter how excited I am about Pennsylvania. So we have to understand where it is we wanna go to find out what we need for the journey.'cause

Kristin, Host 29:05

Mm-hmm.

Shari Teigman 29:05

if I don't know where I wanna go, I won't know who I get to be. And I can give you a list of things that I want. But if I'm not someone who can have them yet, I won't get them. It's that old adage, they always say, people who win the lottery lose the money very quickly because their vessel is too small. They don't believe they're someone who can have it. And that doesn't matter if they gave it all away or lost it on the gamble. It's,

Kristin, Host 29:26

Right,

Shari Teigman 29:27

an energetic container. You know it, it's science. Something fits or it doesn't fit yet.

Kristin, Host 29:31

right.

Shari Teigman 29:32

the real question is understanding why do you want more? What do you want instead? And who do you get to be for that? Then you look at those packed bags and those beliefs that you don't need, and you're like, oh, I repack, oh, I need this, this, and this. That can stay for another time. I don't even have to deal with it all right

Kristin, Host 29:49

Right.

Shari Teigman 29:49

not the tools I require for this trip.

Kristin, Host 29:51

Mm-hmm.

Shari Teigman 29:52

So nowhere there did I say, oh, trust in the future and be great. I didn't tell you to pretend, and I didn't tell anyone to not feel what's real for them. I'm not going on that ride if you tell me I can't feel what I feel because I am a big feeler. So I have to feel, I need to acknowledge what I feel. I need to acknowledge what I carry, and then I can make an informed decision about what I'm gonna allow to hold me back or move me forward in my life.

Kristin, Host 30:18

Oh,

Shari Teigman 30:18

we are self-governing and then anything's possible.

Kristin, Host 30:24

Well, that's a wrap on this episode of Happiness Unscripted. I'm so grateful you chose to spend this time with us today, exploring what it means to build a life we truly love. But you know how this works now. We're just getting started on this incredible story with Shari Teigman. Make sure to tune in for the next two weeks because we're continuing our conversation with Shari, diving even deeper into her journey and starting to learn about the Maverick method. Remember, the path to happiness isn't always linear, but it's worth seeing what comes next. Before you go, think about one small thing from today's conversation that you can put into practice this week. If you'd like, share it in the comments to encourage someone else. If this episode inspired you, please share it with a friend, post about Happiness Unscripted on your social media or leave a review so more people can find the show. And be sure to follow Happiness Unscripted on Facebook or Instagram and subscribe so you never miss an update. I'm Kristin DeSouza and I'll see you next time as we keep exploring together on Happiness Unscripted. Let's get happy.